Welcome to Cow Guides!

~Insanity Secrets~

Insanity Secrets is where you can learn the main traits of how to be, well, just simply an insane cow. Everyone will want to stick you in a padded room, fill you up with pseudo-pills or whatever, that *actually* make you insane, whist thinking these pills will cure your strange behaviour. Because you are vastly different from all the other cows around you and don't stick to their monotone lives, people will be afraid of you for the silliest (I would have put stupidest there, but I feel a bit bad about that) reasons. Thus they will try to lock you away from soicity where you would then become legitatmately insane because of your isolation from other cows, even if their lives were rather dull. So just tip toe your cow hooves around the Behaviour Police and hope you don't get a mental illness stamp slapped on your forehead. So without further squeaking, lettuce examine different types of insanity that will make your life more colorful as a cow.

1. Slapping Pancakes against walls

This is a simple and fun activity. You just take a pancake (or any other squishy, flat object) and slap it against a wall, yelling "OPA!" You can also use plates and watch them break. Watching the syrup ooz out of the pancake can be very satisfying for a good cow. The more pancakes stuck to the wall, the better. You can then proceed to eat them off the wall when your satisfactin has reached it's full. If you want to be extra insane, slap your cow friend against the wall as well. Just don't chew on him, unless you are into the Vampie type of insanity which will be explained below.

2. Vampies

This is the art of chewing and nibbling on your friend cow's skin like a vampire but without drawing any blood, thus the vampie. The vampie will alternate between tossing cow pies about and grabbing your arm and chomping down on it at random times. They will gnaw for a bit and then go back to their previous activity.

3. Dustballing

Dustballing is an alternate term for roughhousing with your cow friend, except that this roughhousing can happen in any area, not just the house. The dust part of the word refers to kicking up sticks, dust, leaves, and other things you usually have on your floor or ground and tossing them into the air with your vigourous attacks. The balling part comes the fact that you will look like a ball rolling around in the dust. Dustballing will happen SUDDENLY with no previous provacation whatsoever. Always take your target off guard. Dustballing can involve vampie bites, tickling, or simply whacking your cow friend with pillows or trapping them inside a blanket and then running off cackling like a maniac.

4. Making up random silly words and phrases

It can be quite refreshing to alternate from your usual way of speaking and start saying stuff like "Moo" or "Cowinkadink" or "Pica picatures". This activity also involves turning your voice into musical instruments such as a guitar or a banjo. You may say "Badda Bing badda BOOM!" Very loudly, or simply strum out a tune on your vocal cords by saying "Barng barng barng boing boing boing". Your neighbors will look at you very oddly when they hear this instead of humming.

5. Singing Loud Opera while doing the dishes

Nobody likes washing a lot of dishes, so what funner way to do the chore then belt out loud, obnoxious opera from the kitchen that is sure to irritate the the occupents of your household? Any powerful opera song will do for this, or you could even make up your own lyrics on the spot and just squeak them out at the top of your pink cow lungs.

~Zero's Secrets~

Zero is a very odd but kind cow. He is both naughty and good, silly and highly intelligent with the wisdom of a 900 year old, but loves to prance about on the pasturelands with his inner child cow. Whatever walk of life you are on he will always make an excellent friend. His oddness springs from his own nature, with a good dosing of Insanity and scheming thrown in. However one of the strangest traits he holds is a phenomeon that you will encounter if you happen across his path while he is very tired. He will ramble on about flamboyent pencil sharpeners, Banana republics, Breadhogs, and occasionly ask strange questions like "am I dead?" and "How many toes am I holding up if you guess right you go to sleep if you guess wrong Mr Flippers goes to sleep." Between all these oddities he will also say Goodnight at least four times and then keep rambling on about nonsensical stuff afterwards.

HOWEVER.. Zero is a wild cow. Which means to interact with him you will need to tame him with various methods such as Hamburgers, Burritos, and petting his cow ears every so often. The steps down below will teach you exactly what you need to do to bring his wildness down a knotch or two so that you can poke his cow mind for his unmatched wisdom.

1. Hamburgers

Naturally, Everyone has some sort of favorite food. Zero is no exception to this - his favorite food is Hamburgers. His apitite for them is through the roof of Saturn. (Saturn does not have a roof, so this basically means his desire for Hamburgers is infinite) He can never get enough of them and when he happens within sight of a hamburger resteraunt or store, he drools enough to put Noah's Flood to shame. Unfortunately for Zero however, there are not many places you can get a hamburger out on the beautiful pasturelands and mountain meadows. So to bring him one is a real treat for him. However, there is a certain why you must bring him a hamburger. You cannot hold it out to him the instant you see him. If you do, he will enter 30,000 MPH at 300 foots above the ground and swipe it right out of your hands and it will be gone in one euphoric bite. Then he will run off happily Mooing for the next three hours.

Thus, the correct way to offer him a Hamburger is to greet him respectfully first. Then, tell him you would like to hear of his great wisdom. He will instantly deny having such wisdom as he is very humble when it comes to such things, even if he knows truthfully to himself that he has indeed been blesesd with wisdom to help those who seek it. Here is where you can catch him in a trap. Brandish the hamburger in front of him and say, "If you admit your genius and answer my questions accordingly, I will give you this hamburger at the end of it." Zero will enter a very confused state but the eagerness for the hamburger will eventually win out in the end and Zero will bless you with his wisdom.

2. Petting

The next step after you have gotten him to fold his cow hooves in front of you and sit down, is to calm him by petting his cow ears or head. He will become increasingly relaxed and feel less urge to suddenly bolt off to the other end of the pasture prancing on the grass in chase of a butterfly or perhaps an alien UFO flying in the sky somewhere. However, don't pet him toooo much, or else he will just tuck his cow head between his hooves and start snoozling and forget all about whatever it was you were asking him. Zero is very unpredictable and could fly off somewhere at any Mooment.

3. Eyeballing

This next step you will proceed into after you have begun getting your answers to whatever silly questions it was you asked. You don't want to bore Zero, so to keep up with him is to make strange expessions at him involving your eyeballs. Squish one eyeball down really small and let the other one pop out really big so that you look like this: O . Zero will become very interested and start doing it himself, as eyeballing things like that are one of his favorite pass times.

4. Squish his Nose

If there's anything that Zero loves more then being petted, it's having his cow nose squished. Simply press your finger pads into his cow nose and Squish it firmly. He will probably nuzzle your hand more and ask for more nose squishes afterwards. Use this to your advantage so that he answers each question of yours fully to your satisfaction. You will have made him a happy cow, and you will have gotten your answers. Also, don't forget to give him the Hamburger when you're done!

~How to be absolutely wicked~

Want to learn how to take on the appearence of a Psychopath to your friends? Want to make them tiptoe around you and feed you cookies and chocolates at a raise of your eyebrow? Then Evilness it is! But what are the benifits of evilness, really? Well, a big one is that your friends actually won't be driven away by it - they will find the oddballness you are exibiting very strange and wish to remain in close proximity to you to study the phonemeon that you are more closely. And perhaps, by continuing to be in your presence, they will become a little evil, too.

1. Evil Scheming

This is basically scheming with an evil touch. (Read about Scheming under the Scheming tab) You keep your eyes narrowed a lot and stomp over to your friends and loudly say "AHA! I knewwww it!" And then proceed to make up some fabrication about what it was they were doing. When they deny all accusations use that as proof that they are guilty and punish them accordingly down below...

2. Ice Pits

Pick your friend up by their ankle and dangle them over a freezing ice pit. You don't actually drop them in the pit, but you make them think you are going to. (Kind of like when you threaten to shoot your sister with a rubber band, and she cowers in a corner and holds up a pillow or a book in front of her face. The actual pain of getting hit in the arm or shoulder by the rubber band isn't nearly as bad as what they think it will be, thus they squeak and beg for mercy.) This results in them squealing extra loudly and saying "I'll do anything you want I promise! Just don't drop me in the ice pit!" The closer to the floor of the ice pit you lower them, the more extravaget the things they promise for you will be. When you are satisfied with the promises, pull them out and stick them on the solid ground, and smile at them. They are now in your debt.

3. Evil Laughter

This one is simple. After your friend has begun to limp off under the weight of all the things they must now do for you, let an evil laugh follow their trail. Simply yell out a "Mawwwhahahahhaaaaa!" in their general direction. Make sure the laugh sounds real and menecing. If it sounds fake, they probably won't be that scared.

4. Slavery

This is the last step of the Evilness Guide. This is the payoff you get for all you did. Your friends will be deeply indebted to you, and you can now demand that they slave in the kitchens for you making cookies, brownies, cakes, and other such delicious treats. Keep up your scheming facad if they try to pull a fast one on you. (they probably will) Lurk around the area they're in, and accuse them of various things...they will deny them. And then the cycle repeats again. Begin lowering them over the ice pit...

~How to Scheme~

Want to look mysterious, clever and resourcefull as a cow? Learning to scheme properly is one of the best things you can do! It's a good tactic to emply while being evil, (Read about Evilness under the Evilness tab) But it's also a good thing to add to your repertoire of Insanity. Who said you couldn't scheme about how many ducks went to Saturn, and whether or not you should steal that crate of chocolates in the storeroom of the chocolate factory? It's a very fun past time for your noodle. The more you scheme, the better schemes you will make up, and naturally the more interesting things you will end up doing with your friends. If your old lady neighbor walks by your house and sees you napping on the roof inside of a giant burrito, just tell her not to think about it too much and enjoy the birds chirping.

1. Foot Scheming

When the traditional person schemes, they rub their hands together in anticipation for what they are conjuring up. When a proper cow schemes, they rub their foots together in anticipation. The proper way to do this is to simply take your foots and rub them together schemingly. Whilst you are doing this, proceed to spout off various ideas of your imagination. The faster and harder you rub your foots together, the better schemes you will come up with.

2. Supicious Eyeballs

This simply means looking suspiciously at your neighbors, or while you are scheming. Narrow your eyes and point both your pupils either left or right, without moving your head too much. This will give you the ">.>" look. This look universally means thinking, scheming, suspiciousness, or really anything you want it to. But mostly scheming about nafarious things. If anyone catches eye of you doing this, they'll know for sure that you are quite seriously suspicious.

3. Sneaking & Lurking about

This means to prowl about the house, yard, pasture, or wherever it is your Cow Self happens to be residing. Keep your shoulders hunched slightly and your head down low, but your eyes up and looking around with your suspicious eyeball skill you learned previously. Acommpany all this with your foots rubbing together madly, and you will have the perfect appearence of a cow who is scheming. Just don't forget to actually scheme something up! Doing all this will get your friends asking your thoughts, and a proper schemer never wants to be caught without a scheme. If you don't have anything to say to them, just make something up out of thin air such as, "Oh, I was scheming about the fastest way to chew someone's skin off."

~Explaining Glitterbarf~

All you need to know about glitterbarf...which is probably nothing. But since you seem interested, I should probably deliver! So what exactly is the point of being glitterbarfy, anyway? Well, if you're a ten year old girl or younger, pink sparkles are very appealing. (This is also true for most young boys, but they usually prefer neon green and shiny stripes instead of sparkles it seems) However, this Guide is more geared toward older people who don't want to be bothered by intelligent people and would rather not challange themselves by having a conversation that they will probably end up embarressing themselves in. You know you won't be able to match their wisdom and intellect. Thus, you must make yourself look as unintelligent as possible by surrounding yourself with glitterbarfy items of clothing, objects, jewlery, etc. Enough of this around you, and wise people tend to keep their distance of about 50 miles because they associate sparkles, pink, and gaudy colors as juvanile, and rightly so. Just go to walmart with your little sister and watch her run straight for the hot pink sparkly heart on that shirt in the girl's section.

1. Sparkles and Pink and Purple

Obviously. I don't think I would need to explain this one. But since you are interested in looking unintelligent, you probably need it spelled out. Ok. Here it is, spelled out: S P A R K L E S.

2. Noob huts

This is a term used to describe houses and huts made by noobs in minecraft and simular games like minetest. (A noob is a newbie. It can actually be spelled many different ways. Noob, Newb, Nub, and so on...) So what does a noob hut have to do with glitterbarf? ...Just join a creative server. On survival ones, it will usually be made out of rudimentary materials, such as dirt, tree, and leaves. Not very shiny. But on a creative server... access to diamond blocks. Access to shiny things. Access to nyan cat rainbows, and who knows what other eye-burning stuff that seems attractive to youngsters. Essentially, wherever you go bring your own noob hut made out of the shinest things you can find. A cardboard box with glitter glued on to the four corners, bright pink wrapping paper everywhere else and 4 lime green stripes through the center of it all will suffice excellently.

3. Shiny & Flashy clothes

This is just the introduction over again. Shiny jewlery and clothes. You may think, "but isn't ALL jewlery kind of shiny?" Yes... yes it is. But it's usually not gaudy or very large. Find the biggest and shiniest pendants you can. A bonus is to make sure it's cheap and tacky at the same time. In fact, this is prefered. Another extra thing you can do that will make your life as glitterbarfy as possibly is to drive around in a hippy van: